Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
