She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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