im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
