Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
