we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
