i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
