Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
