Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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