If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
