We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
