He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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