I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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