I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
