A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Randomize
