Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
he thought i was a dude.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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