Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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