Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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