That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
