I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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