I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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