your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
