I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
