My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
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I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
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I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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