its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
