The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
