i need an iv and a liver transplant
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
