We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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