We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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