He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
