I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
