OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
