You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You left your phone here
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