the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
