every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
