i permit you to call me
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
