How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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