Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
