When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
