I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
