it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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