The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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