Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
