thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
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