I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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