so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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