You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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