Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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