Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
