Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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