the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I didn't notice because vodka
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
