i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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