next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
