the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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