I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
