every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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