I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
