Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
